Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

The E3 News You Haven’t Heard

Jun 1st, 2009

As the gaming media turns all eyes towards L.A. for E3 2009, many blogs and news sites go into overdrive. While I’m not at E3 myself, and have absolutely no way of finding out information that isn’t already published elsewhere, I thought I’d still do my best to produce stories that I can guarantee you haven’t heard elsewhere!

Sinclair to Return to the Market

In a surprise announcement, Sinclair Research, manufactures of a number of classic 1980’s personal computers including the ZX81 and the ZX Spectrum, revealed that they were to return to the home computing market.
Founder of the company, Sir Clive Sinclair, revealed that the company had decided that the current market provided an excellent opportunity for the company to introduce its new product. “In the 1980s, Sinclair revolutionised the home computing market, and provided access to affordable computing technology to thousands of homes. It was Sinclair which sat at the centre of the early British computer games development scene, and gave birth to many of today’s prominent developers. In 2009, Sinclair hopes to release a new system, and encourage many of these leading developers to return home.”
Sinclair seemed initially coy when asked about system specifications, but began to reveal more information when he caught representatives from Sony and Microsoft sniggering at the back. “Obviously times have changed significantly since Sinclair last released a system, and the company has not stood still. The new system, the Sinclair ZX Millennium, will have a top of the range eight,” he paused, “Megahertz processor, and a whopping 512Kb RAM, that’s half a megabyte!” Sinclair looked unimpressed with the lack-lustre response from the crowd, and sighed before continuing, “These improvements have allowed us to take full advantage in improvements in display screen technology, delivering a full 576i resolution in a stunning 32 colours, all via your SCART lead for the crispest image reproduction. With the ZX Millennium your games will look just like cartoons, and thanks to the efforts of our engineers, we have been able to completely eliminate the problem of attribute clash.” Sinclair beamed, and looked around the audience for a reaction, clearly expecting this to be a bombshell, “That means that Dizzy can stand in front of a bush, and still look white,” he clarified, before collapsing forlornly after he was met with cold silence.
Karen Farley, of Modern Videogamer (US) asked whether the ZX Millennium would still rely on the cassette tapes used with previous systems. “Of course not,” responded Sinclair, “Our engineers initially toyed with the possibility of distributing games on compact disc, as the ability to skip tracks would allow a user to easily choose which game or piece of software to load, the media also had an improved shelf life when compared to cassette tapes. However we realised that this would show no appreciable improvement in loading times, as games would still be delivered as audio streams. Instead we decided to make the microdrive standard for the ZX Millenium.”
The ZX Millenium will be available from November 2009, priced at £175.

FIFA 1660

EA Sports today announced the release of FIFA 1660. Talking about the game, and EA spokesman said, “Electronic Arts have been developing soccer video-games since 1993, and rapidly made itself one of the foremost names in the genre. Since the release of FIFA International Soccer in 1993, EA Sports have released over fifteen titles on twenty-six different systems. This doesn’t include countless spin-offs and other variations. During this time, EA Sports has constantly tried to innovate and move the game forward, keeping up with the fast-paced game of football itself. Each year we have strived not only to introduce great new features, but also to ensure that the game reflects of the latest changes to teams, players and league tables. However, this led us to consider, what if we looked back.
In FIFA 1660 we take soccer back to its roots. Set before the rules of football were fully finalised, FIFA 1660 sees you enjoying the earlier, less codified game. With no referee or linesmen, players find themselves less restricted by the rules, and thus the new reaction-touch fight system allows for punches and kicks to be thrown at nearby players. The same system is also used to fend off those attempting to enforce the law, and disrupt the game.
Authentic historical research has attempted to ensure that the game-play accurately reflects the game as it was played at that time, and historical records have been used to provide names for the player database. Thus, when you play, you can be sure that your team are made up of genuine 17th Century players!”
FIFA 1660 will be released in Spring 2010 on Xbox 360, PS3, Wii and PC.

Lifetime achievement

Jan 17th, 2009

Anyone who has played a game on the Xbox 360, or has looked at a growing number of PC Games, will be familiar with the concept of achievements. Achievements are a way of meta-gaming, giving the player a reward outside of the game, for completing various in game tasks. These tasks can vary from simply completing the tutorial, through killing a certain number of enemies, to something as bizarre as carrying a garden gnome through the whole game so as it may be launched into orbit at the end.
Life doesn’t have achievements; there are no amusingly named awards which pop up at the lower edge of your vision whenever you complete a particularly important life event. Unless you were a member of the Scouts or similar, you won’t have a little collection of icons representing the various things you have accomplished. This, I think, is one of the reasons why computer games will eventually win out over life, and we will all sit in large virtual reality booths getting achievements to our hearts content. Or something.
But before this great revolution can occur, I present the proposed list of achievements which will be available in Life 2.0. Note that it will be impossible to get all achievements in one lifetime; this is to encourage replay ability, something currently unavailable outside certain religious groups.

Achievements

Achieved _

Natal AttractionNatal Attraction

Have at least three people attend your birth.

one-small-stepOne Small Step

Take your first steps unaided.

vocal-minorityVocal Minor-ity

Gain a vocabulary of at least 50 words.

just-another-brickJust Another Brick

Spend at least 6000 hours at school.

What Did I Come In Here For Again?What Did I Come In Here For Again?

Walk into a room, forget what you went in there for and leave again.

facial-ingognitionFacial Incognition

Have a five minute conversation with someone without them realising that you don’t recognise them.

Jack BauerJack Bauer

Remain awake for 24 consecutive hours

Sisyphean CrockerySisyphean Crockery

Maintain a pile of dirty crockery for three weeks, despite regularly washing up.

Unattained _

we-dont-need-no-educationWe Don’t Need No Education

Leave the schooling system before obtaining any major qualifications.

Self Replicating SystemSelf Replicating System

Carry a pregnancy to term.

Mother HubbardMother Hubbard

Give birth to a new religion.

Will Of The PeopleWill Of The People

Be elected to rule a country with a minimum population of 10,000 people.

The Great DictatorThe Great Dictator

Seize control of a country without winning a democratic election.

Tie The KnotTie The Knot

Get married or enter into a civil partnership.

SlipknotSlipknot

End a marriage or civil partnership.

GlobetrotterGlobetrotter

Circumnavigate the word.

It's Alfred Nobel, HonestNobel Pursuits

Win a Nobel prize.

Novel IdeasNovel Ideas

Have a piece of fiction published.

ProcrastcreateProcrastcreate

Have a child conceived when you should be working to meet an urgent deadline.

Class ClownClass Clown

Prompt more than 20 people to laugh concurrently.

fashionDedicated Follower Of Fashion

Have a wardrobe worth more than 30% the combined annual salary of your household.

Phone HomePhone Home

Communicate with a person on Earth while on the surface of another moon or planet.

Race RelationsRace Relations

Live at least once under four different racial classifications.

Midlife RerollMidlife Re-Roll

Undergo gender re-assignment.

Lifetime AchievementLifetime Achievement Award

Live a complete life from start to finish.

Smash LandingSmash Landing

Land a commercial airliner, with no casualties, after total engine failure.

Phew, that took far longer than it should have done and I don’t even get an achievement.